Last night while trying to sound enthusiastic when Weston answered a math question right on his homework, my oldest spoke up and said, "You know, Mom, if I was an 8 1/2 year old kid trapped in a body that worked like a 4 year old, I'd be irritated when people treated me like a 4 year old!" This was the catalyst to a great conversation, (after math was completed, of course).
I think we're all guilty,...me, dad, his brothers, his grandparents, his school staff, and even his peers (although they probably do the best job) at one time or another, of talking down to Weston, of treating him MUCH differently than we would any other 8 year old. This is unintentional, but it doesn't do Weston any good. And, my older son is right, maybe he does find it irritating and condescending but just can't communicate that.
We need to not only assume intelligence, but we need to assume age-appropriateness. He is an observer -- he will mimic our speech and actions, and he will only meet our lowest expectations. We need to speak to him in proper English; we need to play with him as we would other kids his age; we need to have the same social expectations that we would for other 8 year old boys (he'll be a 3rd grader next fall; do we still want him to greet people with hugs? Does he still need to hold hands with school staff in the hallway? Should we use voices or language for positive reinforcement and praise that we would reserve only for very young kiddos?).
...so instead of being SURPRISED that he can do a task that's age/grade appropriate, I think we should affirm that it was a job well done and that we knew he could do it. I think we should teach him to use and ask for hand shakes, high fives, and fist pumps instead of hugs and I think we should encourage him to use his speech to tell others of his progress and let that be the internal motivator to do well at subsequent tasks.
If we don't and simply do for him, talk down to him, and reduce our expectations, then we undermine and take away his dignity! And that is unacceptable.
I don't know how to reply to blog instead of e-mailing you. Anyway, I thought Mason's comment was very insightful. However, I'm not so sure how I feel about trying to stop him from hugging even though it is not 8 year old behavior. His emotional level is unknown and hugging is an expression of love and acceptance for him. It will probably be hard for him to know when it is and when it is not appropriate. I think we all treat him like a younger child because of his special needs. The feed back (or lack there of) that he gives me makes my responses different from those I'd give to the other kids. But overall I agree with your thoughts, I just don't want him to withdraw more into himself because he's afraid to express his emotions.
ReplyDeleteCarolyn
This is good feedback...I didn't really mean he shouldn't show affection, especially towards family (that's actually one of his strengths). I just think he's getting to the age where we need to work on this concept, just like what's appropriate for private and public settings...just because you spill, you cannot immediately strip in the restaurant! His peers in 3rd grade next year, won't be hugging the office staff or each other on most days, and won't be expecting Weston to either.
DeleteWe've targeted verbally expressing his feelings as one of the behavior goals too...so one thing we can do is help him label emotions and point out body language cues for both positive and negative feelings.
Thanks for the input!